snccharlotte's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Darkness Is A Clear View I'm tired of waiting. I'm exhausted from just sitting and hoping something happens. I'm tired of trying to make things happen. Why is it that everything has to be "someday"?! Why not today?! Why do I have to wait for my life to start? Why can't I live it the way I want to right now? Why must everything be put off?! I'm wanting to just break myself off from every single thing in my life right now. I'm feeling suffocated and trapped inside myself. I'm being held back from my life in every way possible. I'm ready to just throw everything aside, jump in a car, and drive away. I want to be one of those girls that has the balls to just say,"fuck it" and go. Fuck everything and everyone. No one understands what I need right now. I don't even understand! I need myself. I need to find myself, and I need to figure out what I want for myself. I just feel like everything I want or need is just so far out of my grasp and it's driving me crazy. My degree feels so far off, a new car is so far off, my own place is far off, even having a Chihuahua puppy for myself is out of reach. I want a puppy so bad, just to have something to take care of. To be able to call something mine. I got so fucking excited because for the first time, I went out and bought something for myself. I bought a dvd player, and that was a huge thing for me. I was so happy, and Jim didn't even get why I was so happy and proud of myself. Things like that don't happen to me everyday. No one understands why I'm so happy that I've been able to save $400.00 so far. It's been so hard to just save that much because of all the fucking gas and bills I'm paying. What am I paying it for?! I'm basically working for free. I spend all my fucking money on gas to drive back and forth to work. And still no one gets why I'm so fucking proud of myself for saving so little so far. I fucking hate myself because I'm the most selfish person I know. Everything has to be about me. I hate how nothing is ever good enough for me, and how I'm never satisfied. I'm not talking material-wize but emotionally and mentally. It's just like no matter how well I do, it's never good enough for myself. I'm afraid that I'll push that perfection thing on my future kids, and it breaks my heart because I know that's how I'll be. I know how hard it is to have a mother and father pushing you constantly for perfection. And now I'm doing it to myself. "I am moody, messy, I get restless and senseless, and I never seem to care." I fucking hate myself! I can't even put into words how fucking frustrated I am with myself. It's like I have a war going on withen my head and I can't make it stop! It's making it so I want to tear myself apart. I need to figure out a way to save me from myself. God,I'm such a fucking bitch. 10:49 a.m. - 2004-07-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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