snccharlotte's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Frustrated I'm constantly slipping in and out of small bouts of depression. I'm not severly "I wanna kill myself" depressed. I just get into these moods and funks where I just feel like I could cry forever. Lately I feel like I've just been going backwards in my life, rather than forward. I once had my own car. Now I drive my father's van and I'm at his mercy to when I can actually drive it. I once had a ton of money saved up. I have exactly nothing in my bank account now. I was once driven and ambitious when it came to school and my goals. Now I just feel like everything is so far off and so out of reach now. I feel like I don't even want to try anymore. I once had a plan to get an apartment with Agnes and my parents were okay with it. Yet a year and a half later I still live at home. I just feel like I'm not making any progress in my life and it's a horrible feeling. I feel like a failure to myself. I feel like a failure as an older sister to my siblings, because I'm never really home. I feel like a failure as a daughter and grand-daughter because everything I've done up to this point has done nothing but disappointed my family. I hate the fact that I don't even have a job that can actually benefit me. I hate the fact that Jim has money and I don't. I hate the fact that here I am typing on his brand new computer that he could afford, when I can't even afford a $.69 cent soda. These past few weeks I thought (once again) that I might be pregnant, and I was actually happy about it. Rather than being upset or scared. I started crying when my period came because I just feel like I don't have anything right now that I can hold on to or look forward to. The most I look forward to is the new movie that's coming out next week. I'm just so fucking tired of being disappointed. I was so excited about this huge check that I got. I was happy about being able to start saving, and what the fuck happened? Bank of America took every last cent. I'm tired of obstacles. I'm tired of letdowns. I'm tired of feeling guilty when I don't need to. I'm tired of living for everyone else. I'm tired of my parents dictating my life. I'm just fucking tired. 6:21 p.m. - 2004-06-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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